Afraid to be alone

I sit here on a grey, rainy Christmas Eve afternoon, listening to some beautiful classical Christmas music on the Pandora channel. My favorite hymn is “Oh Holy Night.” I get goosebumps whenever I hear this song.

I am listening to Christmas music while typing on the computer. This can be fine, but it got me thinking about life. I must confess that I rarely just sit and listen to music. I think I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

The holidays can be a tough time for me. I get sad thinking about all those who are no longer in my life, my Dad, my aunts and uncles. I have pleasant memories of past Christmases, but I get sad when I think about them. So, I compensate by making sure I am always busy. I am actually relieved that the holidays are over so I can focus on the New Year ahead.

Come January 1st, I am back to my usual cheerful and energetic self. Sometimes, we all need to just be still with our thoughts. There’s a fine line between ignoring what you are feeling and spending too much time thinking about things. I think it gets easier with time.

My lessons learned from all this:

1. Anticipate.

I have felt this way for the past 15 or so Christmases, so it should come as no surprise when it happens next year. I have faith that come January 1, all will be well in my world once again.

2. Learn to embrace the stillness.

Listening to music can be so soothing to the soul. I really should do it more often. I have tried meditation, but since I can’t sit still and do nothing, it is really hard for me. At least when music is playing, my mind can be occupied with listening to the music.

What about you, do you make time to just be still?